Sometimes I think I’m better off as your friend. I seems to know you more back then than I know you now.

I’m jealous of your friends. Cause they get the enthusiasm from you. Cause they get all the excitement from you. Cause they get your attention and you missing them w/o having them to miss you or wanting any attention from you.

It’s great to be your friend huh. To be actually cared about.
You don’t have to do SO much to receive THAT much.

How come you know how and when to make it up for the times you failed to “entertain” your friends, but never seems to know how and when to make it up to me for the times I waited in vain for your msges or calls, picking up your phone so excited, like a kid who is waitg for Santa claus on the eve of Christmas, missing you like i wish you wld be missing me too, just to hear you say you’re very tired.
How come all I get is “I talk to you tmr k, I’m really tired. Sorry, I really wanna talk to you but I’m so shagged“, and the same old cycle repeats.

Maybe you are just happier when you are with anything else in the world than with me.

Can I just be a friend then?

Sometimes, I REALLY HATE THEM.

I think imma start writing again.
Time to rediscover the poet in me.
nyahahahaa.

It sucks to have someone address all your insecurities.
Telling you who they have always wanted or fantasize of is someone whom you’ve always wanted to be but can’t.
How they chose them over you and you know that they are everything you wanted to be but can’t as well.

Sometimes it’s not abt the person they choose. Sometimes it’s not the actions they do. It’s the thought.

I don’t deny i have very fertile imagnation and i think ALOT.
But my thoughts can’t be based on nothing right?

I too wanna be sexy.
I too wanna look slutty.
I too wanna be hot.
I too wanna be pretty.
Which girl doesn’t?

And I can be none of them.
And he chose someone with all those criterias over me.

I know maybe he don’t mean it that way.
I know he doesn’t think so much like me.

But I can’t help this feeling.

My brain is too active for my own good.

eating myself up alive.

the feeling is awful. really awful.
wanting to cry everyday is not a good feeling.

now i know why has been like that for the past 23 years.

There are alot of things I don’t tell people.
Which most probably will be brought to graves with me anws.
And I don’t think I’m ever planning on telling any single one, EVER.

Maybe I’m just lazy to eleborate those thoughts.
Maybe I just feel awkward to expose my secrets to even my best friends.
Maybe I don’t like being vulnerable.
Maybe I don’t wanna be so easily understood by others so that they can claim that THEY KNOW ME.

SO MANY SECRETS. SO MANY THOUGHTS.
It’s suffocating.

Some times, I wish for a someone to know exactly what my thoughts are even when I don’t say them out loud.
Like I can just hug them, cry all my guts out, and they knew instantly why I cried.

And some other times, I wish for a someone to discover all these untold secrets which I have no intentions of revealing.
Then I’ll  have no where to hide them anymore.
And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be so light and I can finally fly away.

I think the ugly twin is trying to break free from the pretty one cause she was never allowed to be shown to anyone.
I’ve gotten so used to the pretty one, I actually thought she was the only existing one.

Maybe for once she wants to be heard.
Without realising how truly ugly she really is.
And I pray to God, take the ugly one away.
And if you have to take the pretty one as well, I say God, by all means.

The pretty one doesn’t have the strength to fight the ugly one anymore.
Oh. Maybe tt’s what death is like.

looking through our damn rare and minimal conversations.
looking at your long ass email.

looking at your pictures.
looking at our good times spent tgt.

dreaming about you and your whereabouts.
i cried and i cried and i cried when i heard your voice in my dream.

“omg. is that you? yan jing?!”

maybe i was just hoping that you missed me as much i missed you.

writing you an email.
getting a closure and answer that i longed so much i had to dream for it.
wanting to go to your place to look for you.
wanting to call your family.
wanting to call him just to find you.

i really still can’t believe i already lost you.
JUST. LIKE. THAT.

i sound like i’m freshly outta love which is not the case.
but i did lose this one love from my life.

i cried and i cried and i cried going through all those memories.
tonight’s gonna be a heavy night.

finally the day has come when i can proudly say:

“I AM FREE OF FDF!”

this is by far the greatest news in 2010(for me only of course).
i am finally freed.
and the feeling is wonderful.
i feeeeeeeeel so light.
so carefree.

the strings have snapped and i finally woke up!

YES MA, I AM FINALLY FREEEEEEEEE LIKE A BIRDDDDD!!!!!

已经不新鲜了。
所以那么冷淡。
没有刺激感了。
所以不在乎了。

还是很难以释怀。

but i’ll get over it.
i’m stronger than this.

Omg my fucking long post just got deleted cause internet explorer hung on me FML.

I am SOOOOOO not gonna retype till i have the mood next time WTFFFFFFF.
Oh my poor heart. My poor aching heart.

Anws, recent updates in a nutshell:

1. Just finished RTC Xmas Decor last week. MAJOR HUGEE-ASS project which i will update some other time (which was also btw the long post i was actually typing) when i have the mood.

2. The other day i saw FDF interacting with that stupid girl and my blood curled like fuck.
And i thought i was loooooonnggg over him, and that just proved otherwise.
Tollay not healthy cause i was doing so well.
On to project DFDF. Destroy FDF. I must get away from him. I MUST.
THY SHANT BE GREEN NO MORE.

3. TEAM AUSSIE IS BACK!!!!!!! WOOHOOO!!!!!!!! HOW I MISSED MY BFF. T.T

4. Which reminds me, I miss Amy, Teri, Jeff and Herry alot. I missed hanging out with them, the 5 of us crapping and laughing all night long.
Being nostalgic just makes me sad. T.T

5. I’m officially leaving NUHS RTC on 1st Feb. I don’t know to be happy or sad.
Leaving RTC is a huge leap into PROJECT DFDF, which is good.
I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know how are the new grp of people gonna be like. Can only hope for the best.
I’m sure gonna miss the people I’ve worked with thus far. T.T

6. Wah piangs. DAMN EMO la the prevous 3 points. wtf.

7. Guys will be Guys.
They NEVER CHANGE
They cheat, they lie, they sweet-talk, they break your hearts.
I hope this time it’s really over for you. 
You said you are just waiting for that one closure, I hope this is it.
I know you were trying to be strong, nonchalantly when you told me that, hiding your fears of the closure coming true within your laughters and smiles.
But it did come true, so accept it and let go pls?
You deserve better for sure, as cliche as it may sound.
So cheer up aiight?
It takes time, so i’ll give you that.
That’s all i can provide in any case, so i wish it’s enough.

8. I CANNOT WAIT FOR CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!!!